Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Guest Post: Why Elves Are Total Bastards, by Sir Edric

[This is a special guest post, written by Dog and dictated by Sir Edric Greenlock, the Hero of Hornska].

Greetings, foreign peasants.

Whilst in Awyndel it’s well known elves are vile (excepting the splendid Lysandra, of course), I was alarmed and surprised to hear that elven propagandists have infiltrated the realms of the United Kingdom, America, and other minor nations. As a purveyor of truth (and because of some small remuneration), I’ve chosen to enlighten you as to why elves are, in fact, utter bastards.

It’s easy to be deceived. Elves are very pretty, and elegant, and seem to be full of grace and solemnity. Don’t be fooled. Elves are bone idle, pathetic in war, self-righteous, cowardly, hypocritical and worthy of nothing except contempt (and occasionally lust).

Recall the famous Fellowship of the Ring. A quartet of irksome midgets, struggling to dispose of stolen jewellery, find themselves in Rivendell, a beautiful elven settlement. Elrond, the craven pointy-ear, berates the men and dwarves as short-lived and useless against the jewellery’s rightful owner, Sauron. But what is his elven solution to the threat?

Elrond’s people are running away. Very heroic. Even as he takes the piss out of scruffy ragamuffin Aragorn and manliest of manly men Sean Bean, his own approach is to wet himself and flee. Yet he’s still full of himself.

Or take Galadriel. What’s she doing? Hiding. Ooh, very brave. Even the midgets are doing more than that. So, there we are. The elven approach to danger is run the hell away or hide and pretend it’ll all be alright whilst taking the piss out of the humans trying to sort it out and teach the evil lighthouse a lesson.

But maybe that’s just one instance (well, two) of elven rubbishness. Maybe it’s an exception.

It is not. Geralt of Rivia has had many adventures. In his most recent, he’s trying to stop the maniacs of the Wild Hunt from catching Ciri (sort of his daughter. In a nice, rather than a Woody Allen, sort of way). And who are the Wild Hunt, the murderous, genocidal maniacs who want to kill Ciri and end the whole world?

Elves. Naturally.

What about in the fabled land of Skyrim, home to frisky Nordic maidens and that prick Nazeem? Here we have the Thalmor, elven scoundrels who run around incarcerating good honest human folk simply for not following elven religious doctrine!

Then there’s the story Dragon Wing. A lovely book, which features dwarves, humans and elves. And what are the elves doing? Monopolising the water supply and terrorising humans, whilst robbing the dwarves blind!

Or try the Terrarch Chronicles. The elves prove so useless they muck up their entire bloody world. Having ruined it, they flee to a human one and oppress the native population.

So, there we have it. Elves are total bastards. Cowardly, sneering, fearful, murderous, oppressive, mankind-hating, water-stealing bastards.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, this bottle of Andelic brandy won’t drink itself, will it?

Sir Edric Greenlock, the Hero of Hornska

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