Sunday, 11 September 2011

The Tale of Sir Edric the Vile, episode 2

Episode 2: Heroism, thy name is ignorance

Scene 1: [Edric is in bed with a beautiful and rather naked lady friend]

Julia: O Edric, you're so heroic!

Edric: It's true, my sweet. I'm so magnificent donkeys that are particularly

well-endowed describe themselves as 'Hung like an Edric'.

Scene 2: [Similar]

Julia: Oh no, silly. I was referring to your brave and daring trip northward.

Edric: It's all in a day's work for a knight, my love. Slaying dragons,

shooting peasants, saving the King from certain death: it's what I do,

when I'm not ploughing the furrow of the prettiest girl in town.

Scene 3: [Edric sits up and begins getting dressed]

Julia: Even so, to intrude upon the territory of the Dreaded Sheep-people, to

traverse the Goblin Forest of Doom and to scale Mount Eva's twin peaks

just to reach the Cave of Terrible Darkness is awesome! Why, nobody's ever

made such a trip before and come back alive.

Edric: .... oh, really?

Scene 4: [Edric and his squire, Dog, are waiting at the Dragon Gate for Alice

and Sir Gerald the Good. Edric is seated atop a fine palfrey, Dog atop

a rather less splendid rouncey. Sir Gerald and his squire, Colin, arrive on horseback, accompanied by the sorceress Alice, who is riding a giant lizard]

Edric: Good morning, Sir Gerald, Colin. Greetings, wench.

Colin: Good morning.

Gerald: Ah, we are blessed by the company of good Sir Edric, the slayer of the

man-eating badger and the fearsome doomdog. Hurrah!

Alice: Greetings, husband.

Scene 5: [The quintet of travellers depart from the Dragon Gate, heading north]

Narrator: And so did Sir Edric the Vile, his loyal squire Dog, Sir Gerald the Good and his squire Colin proceed with the sorceress Alice. Little did they know the mortal peril this fateful journey would plunge them into.

Scene 6: [The five have been travelling a long time, and are deep into twilight]

Alice: Edric, you've barely pulled your weight all day! Sir Gerald, Dog and Colin slew wolves, goblins and a pair of trolls and you've just trotted along on your horse.

Edric: Lies, vile woman! Did I not slay the rag demon outside the city gates?!

Scene 7: [similar]

Alice: The 'rag demon' was a beggar!

Edric: That matters not, what's important is that when I skewered it with my sword it stopped annoying me. I'm improving the unemployment figures, one poor person at a time.


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