The Tale of Sir Edric the Vile, episode 2

Episode 2: Heroism, thy name is ignorance

Scene 1: [Edric is in bed with a beautiful and rather naked lady friend]

Julia: O Edric, you're so heroic!

Edric: It's true, my sweet. I'm so magnificent donkeys that are particularly

well-endowed describe themselves as 'Hung like an Edric'.

Scene 2: [Similar]

Julia: Oh no, silly. I was referring to your brave and daring trip northward.

Edric: It's all in a day's work for a knight, my love. Slaying dragons,

shooting peasants, saving the King from certain death: it's what I do,

when I'm not ploughing the furrow of the prettiest girl in town.

Scene 3: [Edric sits up and begins getting dressed]

Julia: Even so, to intrude upon the territory of the Dreaded Sheep-people, to

traverse the Goblin Forest of Doom and to scale Mount Eva's twin peaks

just to reach the Cave of Terrible Darkness is awesome! Why, nobody's ever

made such a trip before and come back alive.

Edric: .... oh, really?

Scene 4: [Edric and his squire, Dog, are waiting at the Dragon Gate for Alice

and Sir Gerald the Good. Edric is seated atop a fine palfrey, Dog atop

a rather less splendid rouncey. Sir Gerald and his squire, Colin, arrive on horseback, accompanied by the sorceress Alice, who is riding a giant lizard]

Edric: Good morning, Sir Gerald, Colin. Greetings, wench.

Colin: Good morning.

Gerald: Ah, we are blessed by the company of good Sir Edric, the slayer of the

man-eating badger and the fearsome doomdog. Hurrah!

Alice: Greetings, husband.

Scene 5: [The quintet of travellers depart from the Dragon Gate, heading north]

Narrator: And so did Sir Edric the Vile, his loyal squire Dog, Sir Gerald the Good and his squire Colin proceed with the sorceress Alice. Little did they know the mortal peril this fateful journey would plunge them into.

Scene 6: [The five have been travelling a long time, and are deep into twilight]

Alice: Edric, you've barely pulled your weight all day! Sir Gerald, Dog and Colin slew wolves, goblins and a pair of trolls and you've just trotted along on your horse.

Edric: Lies, vile woman! Did I not slay the rag demon outside the city gates?!

Scene 7: [similar]

Alice: The 'rag demon' was a beggar!

Edric: That matters not, what's important is that when I skewered it with my sword it stopped annoying me. I'm improving the unemployment figures, one poor person at a time.

Thaddeus

The Tale of Sir Edric the Vile, episode 1

So, I was pondering putting up some creative writing ahead of the release of my eBook (hopefully later this year). The problem was that I didn’t want to give away any of that book, and it takes me a while to draft and then rewrite creative stuff.

However, due to my skill and cunning, and not at all because I clicked the wrong folder whilst suffering an explosive sneeze, I found an old miniature comedy, in the style of a play. There are only two episodes, as yet, but it’s written already, so I thought I’d put it up.

Worth stressing that I wrote this a while ago, and my book is not an out and out comedy (although there are quite a few moments of light relief). Anyway, here it is:

Episode 1: A Royal Summons

Scene 1: [Edric approaches the monstrous stone home of Prince Ivan the Bloody, which is protected by a pair of guards]

Edric: I got the urgent summons. Ivan's not in one of his moods, is he?

Guardsman Barry: Oh no, sir, he's cheerier than a jester's birthday.

Scene 2: [A horrid shriek emanates from the door, which is subsequently pierced by a sword, its bloody tip wiggling playfully]

Guardsman Gary: Well, cheeryish. For the prince.

Scene 3: [Edric enters the home, steps over the fresh corpse marinated in its own blood, and approaches Prince Ivan]

Edric: Good day to thee, my liege.

Ivan: Ah, Edric. Good day indeed. Robin here was caught in bed with my sister, so I murdered him to teach him a lesson. I daresay he won't do that again!

Scene 4: [Edric glances nervously at the corpse]

Edric: Indeed not, sire. How is your wife?

Ivan[sighing]: Hilda the Impenetrable lives up to her bloody name. Anyway, I summoned you to spread some good news. The King is dead! Well, almost.

Scene 5: [Ivan swings his sword playfully]

Ivan: The old man's got longpox. Another few weeks and he'll be worm food. The problem is my damned sister, as always. She's ordered Sir Gerald and Alice to hunt down Arnold the Hermit in the Cave of Terrible Darkness.

Scene 6: [Edric nods, relieved not to be better acquainted with the pointy end of Ivan's sword]

Ivan: Arnold is reputed to be the finest healer in the world. Happily, fate gifted me a prophecy last night. Either Arnold or you will meet death in the next month. I'm sure you understand the way the gods work, old bean.

Edric: Indeed, sire. I shall report the Hermit's demise interfrastically.

Thaddeus